“You may have clinical depression” Stated from a local ER Doctor at an Urgent Care Facility I visited last December. At the time I was extremely tired and my eating habits were unusual not to mention I became very emotional, also previously had two panic attacks. The only thing I could predict was that I had to be pregnant, so I decided to go to local pharmacy and purchase a pregnancy test. As I waited all I could think about is how; I have been practicing safe sex for the last few month and I don’t recall the condom ever breaking. Soon as the 15 minutes were up I tended to the test and came to relief that I was not pregnant. I should have been jumping up and down for joy instead my mind was wondering why do I have these symptoms- Is there something wrong with me. As much as I hate visiting hospitals or doctor offices I knew I had to take care of myself first before the day ended. That day I came face to face with my past which I have kept bottled deep down inside for years. The doctor who was assigned to me had exam my body than asked numerous of questions. She than told me there was nothing psychically wrong with me however I had mental illness “Depression”. Like most people I laughed and told her thank you for your time and left not giving what she said any thought until later that afternoon? I had asked a few people I knew if I ever gave them any signs of depression they all said no. So I took it upon myself to research and came to find out I actually had all the signs and was currently living with major depression. Many people walk around as if there fine when in actuality they have many issues inside. Depression is mostly acted indirectly which I have been doing for several years. When I began to drink at the age of 16 I didn’t understand exactly why I was doing it. Now that I am aware of my condition I understand depressed people will do things or use things when nothing else is feeding their souls
I learned that I was not abnormal or suffering alone and that my pain from years ago had turned into depression from me keeping it bottled up inside. I was sexually assaulted at the age 16 and the majority of my teenage years I was verbally abused. I laughed at the harsh words my mother and so called friends spoke to me. I masked the pain from everyone because I didn’t want to seem as if I were bothered but deep down inside I was extremely hurt. Over the years I have kept people distant especially the men I were dating because I were afraid of being hurt. Nobody wants to admit to themselves their hurting, let alone to someone else. So I constantly walked around with the fear of being judged. Also had kept those secrets to myself lead to stress, which affected my immune system and I was often sick with a lot of anxiety and guilt until now. I recently went on a date with a gentleman who shared with me his thoughts of depression in the black community. He was not aware that I am currently living with depression and he started insulting me stating “Those who claim they have mental illness such as depression is an excuse for personal weakness.” I not only explained to him the severances of this illness but that I am one of those people he claims are weak. Before I ended that date I stressed to him the importance of not judging and actually listening to ones story; it may just influence him to become more compassionate. Everyone I continue to meet I tell them we must address the issue by talking about it. I want people to be healthier knowing that I have been very blessed because many have tooken their own life due to pain. Those who devalue their own life are more willing to devalue someone else’s because they do not have self love or self acceptance. Depression is profoundly affecting our community with murder, substance abuse and addiction. I decided to not take the route of suicide but instead use other methods to overcome this struggle.
The way I began to heal was through relaxation exercise such as walking through the park once a week and finding a low key spa which I visit at least twice a month where I was able to mediate. Also, I currently hired a personal boxing trainer to help me release a lot of stress. The most important thing that I do constantly that gives me strength is the word of God which I read every morning! You must be patient with yourself and know healing takes time. I have had one panic attack and broke down three times since I discovered I have depression. These specific moments occurred this year and I contacted a prayer support line that helped me get through it. There are many prayer lines that will listen to your issues and pray over your life and community support systems. I no longer take on things that I can hardly bare as well as focus on dealing with my own personal issues. Understanding, that if I wanted to love myself I need to let God in my life so that I can heal properly. I first began to release the fear of letting others down and begin to focus on Sashe, if that meant saying no more often than usual than be it. Most women have the tendency to put others first and even if that means breaking many promises to themselves .I knew that I wanted to have the capacity to continue to help others in my company so I had to find balance and stop masking my depression with an attitude as if I could do it all.
Your words will become life for another. Please don’t give up and remember it takes strength to give it to God and trust him. I am currently overcoming depression and I can tell you that God doesn’t define you by where you are but what he has created you to be. I am the evidence that you will rise up and I am here to tell you that you do Matter!
It’s our stories that will save our lives!
If you are or someone else is currently living with depression
Please Visit ……..
National Sexual Assault Hotline